


Ash to Ash

by Semi_problematic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Just to be safe, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Season/Series 04, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 14:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30040023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: “But I did have a darkness in me, and I could feel it. I just never knew that the darkness was here to bring the world freedom. I believed the world was only inside the walls, but now I know that’s not true. And now I know I was made for this. That the darkness was never dark to begin with.”“A darkness?” Connie questioned. He laughs Connie laughed because he had to, because Eren was someone he didn’t remember and because he was sure Eren didn’t remember himself. He laughed because this couldn’t have been the only way. And he laughed because this couldn’t be happening. “Eren, we know you did. You laughed when you watched people you love die! You never wanted to give in and trust us! You always wanted to call the shots and decide when and where to give up even if it hurt us! We know the darkness is there but you’re the one letting it take over.”Eren used the blade to subdue Connie, the point of the blade already digging into the sin of his neck. Blood trickled down, staining the metal as well as Connie’s neck. “Noble speech, really, but talking isn’t going to do anything-”“And we all have a darkness!” Jean added.-The one where Eren tries to be the bad guy.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Ash to Ash

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is. it's been in and out of my drafts for like a month. i wanted to get rid of it.

“It’s funny, all of you being here.” Eren stood above them, his body seeming to tower over them and cast a large, dark shadow over them. The crackling of the fire sounded like a symphony behind his voice. The world was burning. And it was all because of him. Eren Yeager. The most brutal weapon left. Humanity's last hope turned into a nightmare. 

Connie wanted to laugh. This couldn’t be real. His squad, his team, his family stood before him and he didn’t show an ounce of remorse, or any emotion. They used to see him as the light, the one thing that could save them all. He was seen as the flickering candle in the dark. Now, he was no longer light, but simply a white, hot fire. Around him, a village burned. They attacked after trying to calmly get him to come back. Eren never did anything calmly, though.

“I tried to keep you away, I ran, I was honest, and I told you if you walked away no one would get hurt.” He tilted his head to the side, the light in his eyes replaced with something dull and cold. “Shame.” His body seemed to float above them, his energy magnetic. Eren was always too stubborn for his own good. That didn’t mean they wouldn’t go down without a fight, though. 

“Eren, it isn’t too late.” Armin said softly. He wanted to reach out, to give him something to hold onto, but Armin knew he wouldn’t reach out. Still, he needed to try. He extended his arms, his hands palm up. “Please…” It reminded them all of the day he tried to reason with Bertholdt. The way he tried his best to be calm and give him chances. And Bertholdt ignored him, laughed in his face and repeated his plan like a promise. Armin didn’t give up, not on Bertholdt. And he refused to give up on Eren. That was Armin, always trying to give chances. “We are here because we care, this isn’t a war between us and you, this is a war between two countries that don’t want the other alive, a war between then and now, a war between-“ 

“Armin,” His name hung in the air as it fell from Eren’s lips. Armin felt dirty when Eren said his name, the type of dirty that left stains. “It became a war when you guys tried to control me. It was pathetic, really, assuming I would stay down in that cell when I am stronger than each and every one of you.” He chuckled, his sickening smile plastered across his face. His face had changed so much, contorted by twisted smiles and crazy eyes. “You should know better than anyone that I hate being controlled, hell, that I refuse to be.” He raised his arm and pointed at them. “You already know you lost, none of you are fighting!” 

Behind Armin, soldiers new and old shifted uncomfortably. Some grabbed their gear, fingers trembling. They wanted to do something, to fight. Eren wasn’t family to the newer, jumpier cadets. He was another enemy, another threat behind the walls. They wanted to kill him. To kill him because he was a threat and because he was stronger. To kill him because every nerve in their body said to. To kill him because at this point they weren’t only taught about weaponry and titans, but also about him: the dangerous Eren Yeager. 

“You’re not thinking straight, you feel like you’re backed into a corner and you’re panicking. It’s okay to panic, Eren, but you need to try to-“ Armin was panicking. He extended his arms to either side of himself, motioning for the cadets to step down. “We are the same, this is your home, Eren, we are home. Please, don’t destroy us to try and make the world better. We watched them try to kill to make it better and it only got worse. You’re scared-“ They all were. The difference was that Eren was tired of letting it control him.

“I think you are the ones in a corner.” The boy in front of them wasn't the boy that watched his mother die or the boy that ran into the ocean. He wasn’t the one who defended his friends even if he couldn’t fight or the one that spent hours cleaning to impress his higher ups. The boy in front of them was a man, now. A man who had finally been ruined by the world. A man who was no longer a man, but a weapon. “Stop following, I’m not going to warn you again. Next time you’re in my way it’s done, I’ll make sure of it.” 

“Eren-“ Armin said it softly, like it was just the two of them. Flames moved closer to them, eating up anything in its path. Fire was unforgiving and so was Eren. And neither of them would stop until they decided to. “Please, just, liste-” 

“Stop!” His voice boomed like thunder. Trees collapsed behind him, slamming into the ground and exploding into a pile of dust and burnt bark. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not afraid to kill you? If you are in the way of me making this world a better place I will gladly do what I need to make you stop, even if it’s ripping you to shreds.” His face was haunting. “I am not going to let anyone make any decisions for me. This is it. This is what you made it come to.” 

“Dramatic.” Jean muttered under his breath. “You are so fucking dramatic and stupid and childish!” 

Eren slowly turned to look at him, head tilting to the side. The way his body hung lazily made him look like a ragdoll. In a way, he was a toy. A toy being used to fix a world he never broke. Eren didn’t need the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was humanities blunt instrument, but they had used him dry. 

“You’re being fucking crazy, Eren. This isn’t you, I know you have a God complex and the need to always be the one sacrificing, but this has to stop. This is serious, this is real-“ Maybe, Jean thought, maybe if he pretended they were still friends, it would make something click. Eren and him hated each other, but they would always come running if the other was hurt. Jean hated seeing Eren like this, so… unlike himself. 

“It always has been. Since my mom died. Since I lived. Since I fought and fought and fought.” He was calm. This was an Eren who accepted the world burning if it meant the best for humanity would come of it. This was the Eren who was okay with being the bad guy. “This fight was made for me, so let me do it and go home. You didn’t even join the Scouts to help, you wanted some pathetic excuse of a life, you wanted to stay safe!” Eren laughed, his body shaking. “You don’t even know the first thing about freedom! And yet you claim to fight for it!” 

“Eren.” Mikasa sounded like she was breaking. Eren wondered how many times he would have to break her until she finally gave up. He was so, so tired of her. “Please, just think. This is impulse, not a premeditated plan. You can affort to wait.” 

“I can’t. The world has waited too long. The world has kept us locked in a cage like animals waiting to be slaughtered.” He watched Mikasa. Flames caught in his eyes and tears shined on her cheeks. “We have to break down the walls and start new.” 

“There are people!” A cadet screamed, shoving their way to the front. “People with lives! Homes!” 

“Where can your home be?” Hange asked, cutting them off. “If it gets destroyed where will you go?” 

“You always have so many questions,” Eren scoffed. “Always have so, so many questions.” He stepped towards them, leaning down inches from“My home got destroyed when I was 10.” Eren fired back. His voice was sharp and his words cut. He was spitting them, he was angry. “And my home was never behind these walls.” He looked at Levi and smirked. 

Hange glanced nervously at Mikasa. “You have a home, Eren. A home with us.” 

“We are home.” Mikasa finally whispered, distracting him. Her throat was dry and she had yet to find the right words to say. But she needed to speak, they were waiting for her. “Like Armin said, like Hange said, we are your home.” 

Eren rolled his eyes. “God, when will you guys leave me alone? It’s like I have to kill you now just to have one nights sleep. Mikasa, this is what I have to do. I have to fight-“ He looked at her. And for a second it felt like a sin that anyone else was around. Those watching felt out of place, like they could get punished for watching. “You know sometimes it’s the only open better than anyone.” 

“You can’t bring that up.” Mikasa hissed, her blades gripped tight in her hands. “You can’t just pretend fighting for our lives and freedom and whatever you’re doing is the same thing! It isn’t, Eren, and you know it!” She was screaming now, her fear subsiding. Now she was hurting. Now she was angry. 

“I’m not fighting for us,” Eren was so calm, it was like he spent days preparing for this. Preparing for ways to rip them all apart with looks and words that carried more weight than the world around them. Mikasa didn’t understand. Hange went over what to do and say repeatedly and still they froze, still she couldn’t speak. Even when they had a detailed plan Eren was ahead of them. “I’m fighting for the world. So, stop being selfish and let me finish this.” 

“You were never one for following orders.” Levi’s voice caught the others off guard. Hange had planned for Levi to be a last ditch effort to bring Eren back. He was speaking too early, but the plan had yet to work anyways. Emotions were running too high to go off a script that was only making things worse. He watched when Eren looked at him and smirked, like he was waiting for a reaction. “You were a selfish little brat-“ 

“And you were in love with me.” Eren smiled like he was drunk. Drunk on power and rage and flames and emotion. Levi clenched his jaw and hoped the fire would swallow him up so this could finally end. “I think you still are, I think that’s why they brought you. Bring Eren’s little boyfriend and see if he feels guilty.” His smile faded, his face going cold. “I will kill you first, Levi. So spare the dramatics and turn around.” He was silent, but his eyes said something more. 

“You’re sick!” Another one of the new recruits shouted. “You claim to hate Reiner for what he has done but you’re doing the same thing, you’re the one threatening to kill the only ones who ever put their faith in you!” 

“I’m grateful, believe me.” Eren turned his focus to the girl. She was short and blonde. Her eyes were gray and her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You only know part of the history! The part that makes them the victim! How can this world last if no one knows the truth?” 

“We know the truth, Eren!” Armin screamed. “We know the truth and we are fighting for it!” 

“You aren’t. You’re getting in my way, Armin. Now move before I shift.” Eren eyed the blades that surrounded him. The fire reflected off of them. “Leave.” 

“But she's right, we’re the ones that supported you.” Connie’s voice lacked emotion. He was cold, on the other side of the spectrum. The world had ruined him, but he simply wouldn’t ruin it in return. “And you turn on us again and again and we still come back. Because that’s what our salute means. Because that is what has kept us alive for so long.” 

“I don’t owe you loyalty, especially when your goal is to save humanity, but you keep stopping me. That is what I am fighting for. That’s what I’m doing.” He lifted his arms, tilting his head back. Embers lit up the world around them in a yellow and red haze. It was disgustingly hot. “You are the ones letting emotion get in the way-“ He turned to Levi. “Especially you.” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Levi replied, tucking his blades into his gear. “You’re cocky because a few people listened to you. Now you believe you’re some savior. You’re just an angry child who doesn’t know how to act.” Levi was the one to move closer to Eren. 

“You don’t want to corner a caged animal, Levi.” 

“Always a rebellious teen.” Levi didn’t turn away. “You don’t want to hurt us as bad as you say you do. You’re lying.” 

“And you’re sad because I don’t want you anymore.” Eren turned his focus back to Armin, walking away from Levi like he was a toy that stopped being fun to play with. “Smart, really, to bring him along. But I have hated him since I saw the world. Since I saw that I didn’t have to be with him,” His eyes made their way back to Levi. Shadows licked at their skin. “I was with you because I believed there was no other option. And I stopped wanting you the minute I touched that ocean, the moment I realized there was more.” 

Levi kept his eyes locked on Eren. His goal was to hurt them, to rip them apart and cause them to finally give up. He didn’t know why Eren wanted them to give up on him, but he didn’t care. There was no way he was going to allow Eren to call the shots. “You aren’t special, you really aren’t. Your dad was stupid and obsessed with ripping he world apart and examining. He did the same to Zeke, you were just the second option. A backup plan when nothing else worked.” 

Eren’s stone face faltered. He dug his nails into his palms before taking a deep breath and rolling his shoulders back. He locked eyes with Levi. “I’ll kill you last.” 

“Armin.” Eren walked towards him. He was snarling. This was finally getting to him, he was angry. “This was your idea, wasn’t it? You knew about Levi and I as soon as it began. I mean, I don’t doubt Hange agreed to do it. We all know I had a soft spot for that pathetic lump of survivor's guilt-“ In one move Eren pulled Armin’s blade from his hand and pressed it beneath his chin. “But you should’ve read our letters, not the ones sent to the group, but ones just for him-“ He moved the blade and pointed it at Levi. “You would’ve known he means nothing to me, that he hasn’t, not for a long time.” 

“Levi-“ Hange moved behind him, her hand reaching out. This wasn’t what they had expected. Armin, Levi, Jean, Connie, and Mikasa were all there to bring his humanity back, not make him cut deeper. “Don’t listen to him, he just wants reactions from all of us. Ignore him, okay? He wants us to turn back-“ 

“Because a part of him doesn’t want us in the way.” Jean hissed. “That has to be it, there is no way he knew this when we met, that he didn’t mean the things he said and did for us. He told us he wanted all of us safe a year ago.” 

“No,” Mikasa spoke softly, but she didn’t whisper. She never had anything to hide. “Because part of him doesn’t want to have to follow through with his threats. He thinks if he breaks our hearts we will give up and get out of the way. This anger is because we won’t walk away. So he’ll make us leave. He will hurt us one by one until we can’t stand to look at him.”

“He can’t hurt us, or he can but doesn’t want to.” Jean replied, his brain filled with different reasons as to why Eren wanted to break them. “Whatever it is, he’s hoping to scare us off.” 

“Then he doesn’t know us.” Connie replied, pulling out his blades. The look in his eye was deadly, a heat that had been behind them since Sasha died. “He doesn’t know that we don’t back down, he doesn’t know that despite it all we know he is capable of-“ He took a deep breath. “Doing the right thing. I’m not his biggest fan but I swore to protect my squad even if I want to rip them apart myself.” 

“So,” Armin breathed out, pulling all the attention back on them. “You’re saying you didn’t love him?” They had been together for months before anyone finally caught on. No one ever said anything but Eren told Armin and Mikasa everything. He couldn’t believe he was able to get someone like Levi to want him. It was all he would talk about. “I don’t believe that-“ 

“I loved him.” Eren said, looking at the blade. He twisted it from side to side, admiring how the flames lit up the metal. “Yeah, he was cool when I met him. And it was fun seeing how many layers I could peel away at. I got bored.” Eren shrugged. “But at the end of the day we all knew it would end up like this, anyway, so don’t be surprised.” 

“That’s not true!” Armin finally screamed. He was snapping. He couldn’t continue to watch Eren play the bad guy and ruin what family he had left. He didn’t care what Eren said to him, but he couldn’t sit back and watch Eren break everyone down. “You didn’t plan on this, you didn’t know about this until months ago! You loved us and you cared about us and you wanted us to see the sea together! That’s what this was for! Freedom! Stop pretending that this was some elaborate plot when you started out just like us! Scared and all alone!” 

Eren chuckled, his lips slowly pulling back and showing his teeth. “Okay, you got me, when I was ten I didn’t think I would be like this, not even when I was fifteen.” He pointed the sword at Armin. “But I did have a darkness in me, and I could feel it. I just never knew that the darkness was here to bring the world freedom. I believed the world was only inside the walls, but now I know that’s not true. And now I know I was made for this. That the darkness was never dark to begin with.” 

“A darkness?” Connie questioned. He laughs Connie laughed because he had to, because Eren was someone he didn’t remember and because he was sure Eren didn’t remember himself. He laughed because this couldn’t have been the only way. And he laughed because this couldn’t be happening. “Eren, we know you did. You laughed when you watched people you love die! You never wanted to give in and trust us! You always wanted to call the shots and decide when and where to give up even if it hurt us! We know the darkness is there but you’re the one letting it take over.”

Eren used the blade to subdue Connie, the point of the blade already digging into the sin of his neck. Blood trickled down, staining the metal as well as Connie’s neck. “Noble speech, really, but talking isn’t going to do anything-” 

“And we all have a darkness!” Jean added. 

Eren closed his eyes, sighing. He wished they were just shut up and let it happen. The more they fought the more it was going to hurt. There was no reason to prolong the suffering. 

Jean was shaking and his face was pale, but his voice didn’t shake. “We aren’t proud of the things we have done, but we did what we had to do to survive!” 

“Calm down.” Eren scoffed. He was tired, so tired, of all of them pretending that they were the same. These soldiers chose to do the things they did, Eren was forced to. His fate was decided before he was ever born. “I had a darkness telling me that the world would burn. A darkness saying that I was the only hope. A darkness telling me that in the end I would die surrounded by a world that was burning. A darkness telling me it was my job to cleanse the earth.” 

“You sound like those church freaks.” Jean stepped in front of Connie, raising his chin so that the blade was aimed at his neck. “You’ve always been a suicidal freak, but you were one that cared. What the hell happened to make you abandon your squad? Your mom? Sasha? Petra? Erwin? What made you so selfish and entitled?” 

“I don’t owe an explanation and I won’t waste my time trying to give one.” He dropped the blade from Jean’s neck. “You want to believe I’m bad and I can’t change that. You have to open your eyes and see the bigger picture.” He turned and walked back to Levi. “I may not have known then, but now I know. Every relationship I had was a chess piece. Knowing all of you was necessary for me to get here. So thank you.” 

“You are sick!” Jean screamed. His voice matched his body now, weak and shaking. “You’re telling me this was all for nothing? That all the chances we gave you were wasted because you have this idea that you’re God?” 

“Not God.” Eren smiled. It was wicked and vile. Enough to make their stomachs churn. “Only a Savior. Enough whining. My dad told me I needed to find you, that this would lead me here. And I listened and it worked. He was right. Now I am stronger than I’ve ever been-“ He extended his arms, the blade nearly cutting Jean once again. “And it’s all because of you!” 

“I don’t believe you.” Mikasa stated, stepping closer to him. “You aren’t as heartless as you want us to believe.” She tucked her swords into her gear. “You care, that’s why we are here. You care and that’s why we aren’t burning or gone. You care and you’re angry that we still matter. You’re mad because that ruins your plan of being the perfect, heartless thing that they want you to be.” 

Eren smirked. He laughed, softly, like this was funny to him. He shook his head, strands of hair falling in front of his face. “Stop.” 

“You wanna be their soldier? Go ahead, but stop pretending like you haven’t kept us alive this long.” Mikasa wasn’t afraid. No matter what Eren did to ruin her, she was never afraid. They couldn’t decide if it was because of the Ackerman bloodline or if she was simply stubborn and believed in Eren no matter what. “You could’ve wiped us out before we even began to speak, but you didn’t. You love us and you hate it!” 

“You don’t know me, Mikasa.” Eren replied, his eyes locked on hers. “You just think you do, because you can’t imagine a world where you aren’t able to dig me out of my grave.” He pressed the blade to her neck. “I’m doing this, and your little emotional moments aren’t going to stop me. I don’t care how much we have been through, at the end of the day the world is more important than what we have.” 

“Really?” Mikasa’s voice wavered. He was her world and she was just a speck in his. 

And Eren smiled. He was winning. 

“You don’t mean that.” She whispered. “You care about us-“ 

“But not more than I care about the freedom the world needs.” Eren dropped the blade and walked back towards Levi. “Did you want to come?” Eren asked. “Or did they drag you along for their stupid plan?” 

“I came.” Levi replied. He moved closer to Eren. “May come as a surprise but I don’t spend every waking moment obsessing over you.” 

“Wanna bet?” Eren leaned close, ducking down and pressing his forehead to Levi’s. “Because I remember you writing to me and telling me how much you missed me, how you were working to be a soldier that I could be proud of.” He reached out and cupped his cheek. “That you were counting down the days until you could see me aga-“ 

Eren’s body hit the ground quickly, Levi pressing his boot against his chest. Eren looked up at him, smiling wildly. His hair was splayed out beneath his head, dirt covering his shirt. Levi pulled out his sword and pressed the edge of it to the tip of Eren’s chin. The world around them had fallen silent.

“Don’t touch me.” Levi whispered. “You disgust me.” 

“You didn’t say that when we laid in bed together.” Eren pushed into his touch, laughing. He tossed his head back into the dirt and grinned. “When you kissed me and you touched me and you swore to never let the world ever break me-“ Eren propped himself up on his elbows. “The world had already broken me, Levi.” 

“Keep your emotions in check.” Hange whispered. The others had backed away, as if they were preparing for an explosion, but Hange stayed close. They always stayed close to Levi. “You’re a soldier first.” 

The air was suffocatingly thick. Sweat dripped down their faces. The fire raged on. 

“I don’t need to be reminded.” Levi hissed, slamming his boot into Eren’s jaw. He stepped away, keeping his eyes on Eren. He studied each twitch of muscle and the way his hair swayed as he moved. “I’m in control.” 

“You’re mad because you weren’t in charge.” Eren sat up slowly, his knees tucked beneath his body. “You’re mad because you know you aren’t special, you’re a pawn just like the rest of them.” 

“Levi-“ Hange tried to move in front of him but Levi put his hand out and blocked them. “I know you’re hurting but he is just wanting a reaction. You know this isn’t Eren-“ 

“Oh.” Eren smirked. “It is. This is me, Levi. I’m not some innocent little boy anymore. I’m a soldier. Are you proud?” He folded his hands behind his back. “You made me this way. You poisoned me.” 

“I had nothing to do with this. You have free will, you chose to kill those people and to escape.” Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You love to blame others for your shitty fucking actions.” 

“Then I blame you-” Eren looked so big, even when he was on his knees. “You’re the reason I stopped loving you. Your stupid plans and your stupid subbornness and the way you sit back and mope because you’ve lost people. Your silent pity party disgusts me, Levi. How can you manage to be humanity's strongest when you can’t even protect us?” 

“Levi-” 

“Kids died because of you!” 

Levi was silent. 

“Your squad, your friends,-”

“Ignore him!” 

“Isabel! Furlan! They died because of you, because you choose to make choices and pretend you don’t regret them when they eat you alive!” Eren was screaming, the fire lighting his face in a haunting way. “It was all you! It always has been! You’re a poor excuse of a soldier!” 

Levi clenched his jaw, his hands balled into fists. He took a deep breath, his eyes scanning the crowd before grabbing Eren by the head and slamming his knee into his nose. “You’re the one who chose to follow me.” Levi replied, pulling out one of his blades. “I swore that I would kill you if it came to it.” Levi always hated promises, but he always kept them. Even if it ripped him apart in the process. “You’re something that no one could be proud of.”

Eren leaned towards him, hair falling across his shoulders. “Then kill me, Levi.” 

Mikasa fought through the crowd of arms holding her back. “Don’t!” 

“Go ahead, since you hate me-” His eyes were dark. “And I don’t love you, there's nothing stopping you.” 

“I’m not going to make it that easy.” Levi stepped behind him and pressed his blade to his back. “Jean, tie his arms.” 

“I can escape, I always will.” Eren hummed, lifting his wrists so that Jean could reach them better. “I’m stronger than you, Levi.” 

Jean ducked behind him and began to tie his wrists, watching for any sudden movement Eren could make. His eyes raked over his body, trying to find any small cut or gash that could give him a way to transform. Even when he was free, though, he didn’t attempt to transform. Something was still stopping him. 

Levi grabbed his hair and jerked his head back, placing the blade against his neck. 

“You still love me.” Eren winced when Levi jerked his head further back. “Don’t you, Levi?” 

“Surround him and tie him up. Cover his face and gag him. We need to get him back and fast.” He tucked his sword back into his gear. “Now.” 

In front of him, Eren arched forward and laughed. “You’re a coward, Levi.” 

“And you don’t play the part of the bad guy as well as you think.”


End file.
